can you miss someone you’ve never met?

because I miss her deeply, daily.

Can you yearn for a place you’ve never been?

In Mandarin Chinese, the word “miss” is just to “think of”:

我 想 你
wǒ (I) xiǎng (think of) nǐ (you)
→ “I miss you.”

xiǎng is to think.

almost touching.

To think about something, well, I’ve done that without experiencing the thing. I do that often. I’m doing it right now- xiǎng.

At least once a month, I’ll think about what pistachio will taste like as a foam floating on top of coconut water. Do I miss it? I’ve never had it.

Before hosting my brazil retreat, I missed it dearly. The days leading up to it, I thought about dancing with the girls. I xiǎng’ed the handmade notes, the humid air changing our hair textures.

Creative retreat I hosted with 11 women in Trancoso, Brazil.

Immigrating at 10 years old, well, the version of me who stayed in Taiwan. I miss her too. I’ve never met her, i couldn’t have, yet i miss her deeply. Our paths diverged the moment our last luggage was loaded onto that Eva Air flight.

Our paths diverging.

but I see slivers of her in me.

When I sleep talk in mandarin → does she ever sleep talk in english?

When I see the remains of stickers on grandma’s cabinet → did she put these stickers here for me to see?

When I laugh with my parents → without the culture gap, would she have had a better relationship with mom and dad?

When I’m thriving in my creative career → is she envious as someone grilled by the Taiwanese education system?

I remain close to 2 best friends I met in Taiwan (age 6) → Is she still friends with them?

In Taiwan, most teenagers get their motorcycle licence before drivers - I’ve never ridden one.

I think every immigrant can relate to this curiosity, this wonder of: who would I have been if i had stayed? Every year, i make the conscious decision to fly home to Taiwan. I drink tea with my grandma, I speak mandarin to the barista, I take the bus.

Because I want to meet her. Again and again. I want to find her reflection in warm soy milk at the breakfast shop. I want to see her crossing the street with someone I don’t recognize. I want to brush shoulders with her standing in the metro.

a classic breakfast shop table

To run into each other in moments of daily life - ephemeral pauses, insignificant exchanges. Instead of grieving her, I choose to miss her.

我 (I ) 想 (think of) 你 (you).

:)